


I'm Not a Monster, Am I?

by sadpendragon



Series: Trans Merlin AU [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Rewrite, Episode: s01e01 Dragon's Call, Gen, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:46:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadpendragon/pseuds/sadpendragon
Summary: There's something about Merlin, that he'd like no one to find out. Between magic and this, Gaius has a lot on his plate with his new ward.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin)
Series: Trans Merlin AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1584916
Comments: 10
Kudos: 85
Collections: Merlin Rarepair Hub





	I'm Not a Monster, Am I?

The moment they entered Gaius’ quarters and the man had closed the door behind them, the shouting Merlin was expecting began.

“How could you be so foolish,” Gaius demanded. The man was steaming with anger. Merlin knew he should feel more guilt at having put himself, and therefore Gaius, on display like that again; but Merlin was also angry, he was boiling with frustrations and his whole body ached. He was not in the mood for a lecture.

“He needed to be taught a lesson,” Merlin turned to the physician defiantly, not wavering under Gaius’ reproachful stare.

The physician did not care for Merlin’s anger either and continued on with his scolding. “You need to be more careful with displays like that! You should not be engaging in these boyish fights.”

“Why ever not,” Merlin pressed, “why should I be careful, he isn’t! None of those prattish boys ever are, they get to be obnoxious, loud and visible. Why shouldn’t I?”

“You Merlin, are different, and should know better.”

“I don’t want to have to act different. If I can’t be myself and defend myself against stupid boys, then what’s the point of being a boy.” Merlin’s whole body lost its fight and he sighed. “If I can’t live my truth, then I might as well die.”

He turned, before Gaius could see his tears, and retreated to his chamber. He shouldn’t have lashed out at his new gardian like that, but the frustrations of his first days in Camelot laid heavy on him right now. Camelot was supposed to be different, a new start. He came here so that he wouldn’t have to be as careful as he was back home. A bigger town meant less eyes focussed on him, except if you had the misfortune of attracting the wrath of the prince on your first day...

Merlin turned in his bed and winced again, his body would definitely have some bruises from his market fight with Arthur, but what hurt the most right now was his chest. He vividly remembered the moment of panic on his and Gaius’ face when Arthur had studied Merlin’s face and said _‘There’s something about you Merlin’_ , he even thought the blond had briefly looked down at his chest before departing…

He must’ve fell asleep without noticing; there was a knock on his door, that woke him up, and he looked up to see Gaius come in, a bowl and some medical supplies in hand. The physician sat on his bed and let out a breath.

“Merlin… Come on, take your shirt off.”

His face suddenly felt hot with shame and he turned his head away. “Nooo,” he mumbled into his pillow.

“Stop being a baby, I’m a physician Merlin. And you’ve been wearing those bandages for far too long.”

Merlin sat up next to Gaius and groaned.

“I could hear your breathing coming out harsher,” Gaius continued, “and it was not from your shouting.”

Merlin took a deep breath in, and his whole chest and back hurt. His shoulders slacking, he conceded, and took his shirt off.

Gaius slowly helped take his bandages off. “I’ll help you bind your chest in the morning. You’re not doing it safely enough, you can’t wear it for too long and you certainly can’t sleep in it. You’re full of bruises, my boy.”

Merlin simply sighed as answer, and shut his eyes firmly as the physician applied ointment on his bruises. He wanted to disappear, the feeling of his heavy chest was a weight he did not want to—could not—carry.

“You don’t know why I’m like this, do you,” Merlin whispered, “I’m not a monster, am I?”

Gaius’ hands stopped in the middle of applying oil. The man stayed still and Merlin opened his eyes and looked at him then.

His voice was serious and his frown deep when he said, “Don’t ever think that.”

Merlin appreciated the concern his guardian showed, he had already done so much for him in the few days he had been in Camelot. On top of being careful with magic, he’d found out he’d have to show this quirky boy he just met, to also be careful with basically his whole life.

“Why am I like this. Why can’t I just be oké with being a girl?”

“I believe it is as you know it is; because you simply are not, a girl.”

“Then why was I born like this? You don’t know do you?”

Gaius shook his head and passed him a clean shirt and a bottle. “Drink this. It will help with the pain.”

Merlin put the shirt on and drank the potion. He wished the potion could take away all his pain; the pain of the dissociation he felt when he looked at his chest, the pain of having to hide his magic, the pain of feeling like he is living a fake life. Growing up he had tried pretending to be a girl for his mother, to not scare her off, and now...people would think he was pretending to be a boy. He felt trapped, trapped in his own body, trapped in the perception the world had of him.

Before he fell asleep, Merlin thought he heard a low and deep mysterious voice growling inside the walls around him: _‘Merliiin’._

But he was so bruised and tired that the deepness of the voice only helped to put him to sleep...

**Author's Note:**

> Yes this is basically a copy paste of a s01e01 scene but like...trans and therefore better. I've got a few other trans au rewrite ideas in the making
> 
> Not beta'd.


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